Thursday, January 17, 2013

Up up and away.

Holy Shrooms. It has been months since my fingers have hit this keyboard. I'm not even sure where to begin! Well, I suppose a rational check point would be the decisions I have made involving college? DRUM ROLL PLEASE.... I dropped my classes. Yes, yes I know. "College drop out". But it's okay; my story doesn't end there. I have been working at a place called the Pet Care Center, and I absolutely love it. I've started to save money and I am crossing all crossable appendages that I am able to move out of the PUs house soon. As far as my education goes, yes I do plan on going back. Eventually. HM, now, what ELSE is there to mention. Well... it's been a few months since I've talked to Panda :/ not that he hasn't tried to talk to me. Let's just say there was a drunken, regrettable night that I would NOT like to relive. I would have never touched him sober... our friendship ment too much to me. But, the drinks kept coming, and so did his hands. It's really quite blurry looking back at it. Even more than that, I don't want to revisit my actions. I've always said that I regret nothing, but as I make bigger mistakes, it's becoming harder to stand behind those words. I saw my BFF recently! She came down from the winter break and I got to spend some time with her. I was so thrilled to hear how awesome things are going for her. She deserves the fucking world. I recently connected with Douche's old best friend. We talked about how shitty of a person he was... how he is still stuck in his ways... apparently being married isnt enough for him. He still has to rape everyone else's feelings. I'm still hurt. I can't deny it in the least. Mention his name? I winch in pain. The biggest question I have had to answer was: Am I ready to move on? And after thinking about it.. honestly, I will never trust the way I trusted him again. But I hope one day I can love the way I loved him. And I will never know if I can unless I try. Really. Try. So, I'm trying. I'm dating a boy... lets call himmmmm.. BF. BF has got me falling. I must admit. Do I love him? I don't know. Sometimes I catch myself wanting to tell him that I do. But everything within me tells me not to. I can't, I won't let myself get hurt again. It's all too hard to pick myself up once I've fallen face first. So, I'm taking it one day at a time. Who knows, I guess we will just have to see where this goes? Me and Madre have been fighting. I've been leaving the house for long periods of time. I just need out. 18 years of living in the same house with her is enough to drive any sane person into a mental health ward. AHH, so many words... brain hurts. I'm calling it quits for now.
Later skeezers.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

College. To Be or Not To Be.

I am so stressed out. Quick question? Who the hell decided that an 18 year old should be allowed to dictate the possible outcome of their entire life there-after? Granted, that's every teens dream, self-independence. Well, at least the ability to start forming an outline of such. But, it's got me buried six feet under. I feel like I've been thrown into the hurt locker, attempting to deactivate a detonated bomb. I don't know about you, but I haven't the slightest clue of how to accomplish that. My point is, I am at the college crossroads. For me, I was good at high school, but it took a toll on me. Dealing with my depression was a losing battle, and my good grades were a constant uphill struggle. I still feel lucky for achieving graduating, considering I spent the majority of my senior year on doctor-enforced home bound. But of course, going to college was the next logical step.
I don't want to settle. I don't want struggle in life, and society has imprinted my brain with a single solution to this. College. So what am I doing? Going to college. I've gone in with an open mind; a blank slate mentality. But, it's gone. I feel like my hopeless and fearful outlook is back, my ambition (which has never been easy for me to maintain) is fleeting, and I'm scared. I can't do this... maybe college isn't for everyone. Maybe college isn't for me. Even typing those words, college isn't for me, gives me an instant and overwhelming feeling of shame and disappointment. It's never been easy for me to except my short-comings, especially one that holds such detrimental value. But say that is the case, that I'm not cut out for secondary education. Then what? What do I do? How do I accomplish satisfaction? I'm not even sure of my own standards. Part of me feels like that's okay, this uncertainty; after all, I'm only 18. But that brings me right back to where I started. Because I can sway my age to either side: young and unsymbolic, or extremely critical to my life's future. I'm just unsure. Plain and simple. I cannot afford to be unsure. I need answers... I need to decide. Does anyone else find this weight heavy? Because I'm trying to lift it, and it won't budge from my shoulders. It's times like these where I need a big hug from my BFF and a shitty joke that can't help but make me crack a smile. God I miss her. I could cry just thinking about it. This is the longest I've gone without talking to her. A month or so? I wonder how she is.. I'm sure her college experience is going much better than mine.. I hope she has made a lot of new friends.. I'm sure she has, she is such an outgoing person. *sigh* clearly my mood is nothing short from meloncholy. Bye blog, hopefully next time I'll have a happier subject to rant about.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

The Run Down.

I'm sitting in this car, wasting time before class. Music is on - the fuck am I listening to? Okay, station changed, much better.
Ever feel like you are stuck in the same place? No matter how hard you try to move past the rut, you can't. It's like you are on a treadmill, and every time you pick up the pace, so does it, waring you out while getting you nowhere.That's where I am. I'm stuck in this place within myself and I'm sweating bullets. (Okay, too heavy? I agree.)

Background. I think you are going to need it if you ever expect to understand what/who I'm talking -hold on. Some idiot won't stop locking his car over and over again .. *beepbeepbeepbeep. beep... beepbeep* Damn it dude! It's fucking locked okay?! .. sorry as I was saying.- If you ever expect to understand what I'm talking about, I guess there are a few people I should introduce, and explain.

Andrew (a.k.a. - Douche) - Andrew is my ex. We dated for six months throughout the last few months of my senior year in high school as well as a few months into that following summer. I hate him. (okay OKAY I don't hate him, I just hate what he did to me, and if I ever see him again, I won't think twice about Sparta kicking him in the junk.) In a nutshell, this guy had me fooled. Insisted that his adoptive father was abusive, that his actually parents had offed themselves in front of him, that he was successful in his music career, that he was schizophrenic and saw his dead twin sister. - I could go on and on with the lies really, but you get the point. None of that was truthful. Now, you are probably thinking, wow Kat you're an idiot, that shit is way too out there to be believable, any person in their right mind would see red flags and question all of that. And you are right, it did seem far fetched to me, I did question things, but he was so deep into his lies, that he had all the right answers to back his shit up. On top of that, as messed up as everything was, it wasn't so out there for me. In fact, a lot of what he said hit home for me. I knew people who had been abused by seemingly harmless people. A grandparent that had commited sucided, and schizophrenic family members. So, I gave him the benefit of any doubts that I may have had. Regaurdless, the truth came out eventually (as it always does) and I broke up with him. Feel bad for him? Don't this delusional bastard decided to move to Washington two weeks later and marry, yes you read that correctly, MARRY some chick. I'm still not sure if it was an extreme case of rebound syndrome, or .. shit I don't know, anything else applicable. So there you have it, that is Douche.

Khilie (a.k.a - BFF) - Khilie is my best friend. I love her to death, she and I have been friends for years. Unfortunatly, she and I now have a strained relationship because she goes to LSU, which is quite far from UNO, where I go to school. Never the less, I love her. If ever I need anything, she is... was my go-to girl. My shoulder to cry on, my partner in crime. It's hard to find genuine friends, people that honestly want the best for you. I guess that's why even though she isn't here anymore, and we talk less than ever before, I will always refer to her as my best friend. You don't throw anyway something so cherisable.

Nathan (a.k.a. - Panda ) Nathan is a new friend, but oddly enough, we are relativly close! I met him through a friend I made at school. First time we hung out together, we got drunk, I took care of him while he threw up, as he drunkly told me his life story. Been friends ever since, wouldn't have it any other way. Seems like we help each other often. Weither it be me helping him deal with ex girlfriends, or him threatening me in order to stop me from regretably texting ex boyfriends when I'm lonley. OH, and he thinks it's funny to make me uncomfrotable. Now, you are probably wondering "what's with panda?" Nothing okay? Now build a bridge and get over it.

Mom/Dad (a.k.a Madre/Padre or PUs -Parental Units.) - Self explainatory. Honestly, I have a general relationship with them. My mom is more of the "parent" where my dad is more of a "reinforcer". I tend to fight with them more so lately than usual.

  MORE PEOPLE COMING SOON. <Work in Progress.>

Monday, October 8, 2012

Lazy Rivers

Date: October 8th
Time: 9:50 P.M.
Current Mood: Indifferent.

Well Hello There!

Clearly, I am new to this. Never have I "blogged" before, nor (in all honesty) have I ever read another's blog. SO, this endeavor is all new to me! Why Kat? Why blog, why NOW? I'm so glad you've asked! Personally, life is one big roller coaster; and if you are like me, a big roller coaster-or any roller coaster for that matter- scares the shit out of me. However, it seems that I am not in charge of picking which amusing ride life affilates itself with. (If I could choose, we would all be sipping Margaritas in "Life's Lazy River") And because of this, the events that take place within my life sometimes lend themselves into worthy stories. Now, of course I have ideas, situations, stories, the whole nine yards swimming around in my head while shouting "pick me! pick me!" begging to be described and revealed outside of the confines of my own mind. But, I'm not sure I am ready to take a swing at full frontal BLOGGING just yet. But hey, I finally got my lazy ass to make a blog, that's good enough for me! So my nonexistant readers, my cyber space feeders - I'll let this conclude my first entry, but keep your eyes open because this is only the beginning.
Ta Ta For Now