College. To Be or Not To Be.

I am so stressed out. Quick question? Who the hell decided that an 18 year old should be allowed to dictate the possible outcome of their entire life there-after? Granted, that's every teens dream, self-independence. Well, at least the ability to start forming an outline of such. But, it's got me buried six feet under. I feel like I've been thrown into the hurt locker, attempting to deactivate a detonated bomb. I don't know about you, but I haven't the slightest clue of how to accomplish that. My point is, I am at the college crossroads. For me, I was good at high school, but it took a toll on me. Dealing with my depression was a losing battle, and my good grades were a constant uphill struggle. I still feel lucky for achieving graduating, considering I spent the majority of my senior year on doctor-enforced home bound. But of course, going to college was the next logical step.
I don't want to settle. I don't want struggle in life, and society has imprinted my brain with a single solution to this. College. So what am I doing? Going to college. I've gone in with an open mind; a blank slate mentality. But, it's gone. I feel like my hopeless and fearful outlook is back, my ambition (which has never been easy for me to maintain) is fleeting, and I'm scared. I can't do this... maybe college isn't for everyone. Maybe college isn't for me. Even typing those words, college isn't for me, gives me an instant and overwhelming feeling of shame and disappointment. It's never been easy for me to except my short-comings, especially one that holds such detrimental value. But say that is the case, that I'm not cut out for secondary education. Then what? What do I do? How do I accomplish satisfaction? I'm not even sure of my own standards. Part of me feels like that's okay, this uncertainty; after all, I'm only 18. But that brings me right back to where I started. Because I can sway my age to either side: young and unsymbolic, or extremely critical to my life's future. I'm just unsure. Plain and simple. I cannot afford to be unsure. I need answers... I need to decide. Does anyone else find this weight heavy? Because I'm trying to lift it, and it won't budge from my shoulders. It's times like these where I need a big hug from my BFF and a shitty joke that can't help but make me crack a smile. God I miss her. I could cry just thinking about it. This is the longest I've gone without talking to her. A month or so? I wonder how she is.. I'm sure her college experience is going much better than mine.. I hope she has made a lot of new friends.. I'm sure she has, she is such an outgoing person. *sigh* clearly my mood is nothing short from meloncholy. Bye blog, hopefully next time I'll have a happier subject to rant about.